The Zoo at Goebbert's Pumpkin Farm

Today Jen and Ben took Nathan out to Goebberts. Al, Marilyn and Muriel (Al's mom and Nathan's great grandma) met them there. Jen had invited me to join them, which I did.

At first Nathan seemed a bit overwhelmed by the unusual environment. He got excited about the ponies going in a circle with kids riding them, but he was a bit afraid of the large camels that also had kids riding on them. He seemed to get sleepy, and wanted to be held.

Then we went into the petting zoo. The toucan and the lemurs and the foxes didn't thrill him much. But then we got to the llamas. Cups of carrots were available to feed to the animals, so we fed some to the llamas. Nathan definitely got a kick out of that. There were some very tall girrafes that amazed me perhaps more than him. He liked some turkey-looking birds, and the tiger cubs (large cubs, weighing over 100 pounds). He was fascinated with the white-necked ravens, which are larger than crows. His favorite was a baby zebra that came over to where he was standing, and mouthed his fingers! It's lips were like velvet, and he got so excited he was squealing with the fun of it all. It was such a joy to watch.

It was a fun afternoon. Thanks for including me, Jen! I loved it.

Nate's Big Walk

Walking

All night long Nathan was walking around the family room. He started out walking along the couch and then minutes later he was crusing around the family room making his way towards the kitchen. At this rate, we will have a full fledged walker on our hands within a week.

Nathan's First Steps

Nathan has been walking along the couch for weeks but has lacked the confidence to remove his hands for more than a second...that all changed today. This morning he removed his hands and walked about 3 steps. He continued to do this many times throughout the day. He will be walking before we know it!! Take a look, we hope you enjoy!

Changes

In July I went to Bolivia for two weeks. When I left, Nathan was rolling everywhere he wanted to be. He sat for long periods if put down on his butt, and if he wanted something out of is reach, he would flop down onto his stomach and roll to get it. But once he got to his new destination, he couldn't sit himself up. When on his stomach, he would sometimes get up onto his hands and knees, and rock, like he was getting ready to crawl somewhere, and sometimes he would go forward two or three times, but invariable he would push backwards with his arms and end up back where he started.

Two weeks is the longest I had been away from him. I was afraid that he would treat me like a stranger when I returned. He still didn't like strangers before I went, and took his time getting used to new people. But while I was gone, Laura and the girls were up here from Arizona. They got together with Al and Marilyn a lot, and with Denise, Phil and PJ and lots of other relatives. They went to a water park, to the zoo, to the racetrack, and gathered at various houses. Jen and Nathan even spent the night at Marilyn's along with with aunts and cousins. So it was a very social time for the boy.

He gave me a big grin immediately when he first saw me when I got back. I loved it and told my self it was because he knows me and loves me, but I soon realized that he had gotten over his shyness while I was away. He is a bit tentative when he meets someone new, but only for a few minutes. He has realized that being the center of attention can be fun, and he uses it. He performs whenever he has an audience now.

The first Tuesday I was back, on July 21, Nathan had a new trick. During the day, I saw him sit himself onto his butt from the crawling position. Ben had seen him do it once before, but he did it five different times that I saw that day. I wasn't watching him constantly either.

On July 23, Thursday, he all of a sudden seemed to figure out how to go forward when crawling without pushing himself backwards with his arms. His crawling was tentative and cautious, but he was making forward progress. No more need to roll! That really opens up a guy's world!

By the next Tuesday, he had learned that he could pull himself to his feet, especially if someone was sitting on the floor with him and he could use clothing and hands to help him get up. By the end of that week, he was pulling himself up on the coffee table and on the couch.

Crawling and Fish Face

Although this video is 3 weeks old, we wanted to share this footage of Nathan crawling.

Kiss the Baby

Recently Nathan will kiss (actually lick) his toys that have mirrors. So cute that we wanted to capture it.

Sooo Big!!

Aunite Amy and Nana B have been working on Soooo Big for a while and we just saw it for the first time this weekend. What a cutie!

Page Turner

Nathan has been turning pages in his books for months but this is the first time we have captured it on film. Quite often he uses both hands when reading but not today.

Teeth!

Nathan got teeth! He was sitting on the blanket, playing with the purple lid for the cookie jar toy. He put it in his mouth, like he always does, and I heard a little clinking sound that I hadn't heard before. I stuck my finger in his mouth, and there was a new little ridge of teeth just barely pushing up through the gums! Two teeth!

Of course, we were not surprised. The teeth were visible for a while, just under the gums, and he has been drooling gallons!

Which just highlights how much he is growing and maturing. He shakes his head no, bobs his head and arms to "dance" when he hears music, claps his hands, puts his arms up to show "How big?" and loves Peek-a-boo. I saw him try to put one of the rings back on the spindle the other day. He has been taking them off ever since he got the toy, but it was the first time I saw him try to put one on. He goes everywhere he wants to, not by crawling in the normal way, but by rolling over and over or by laying on his back, pulling his legs up, and pushing himself backwards up towards his head. An unusual method of moving, but he gets to where he wants to go.

And he definitely says, "Hi," "Mama," "Dada," and "Nana." Yesterday we were playing a game he likes. He had been sitting on the mat, but was tired of being there. He flung himself backwards - we keep pillows behind him because he does this often. I went and pulled him back up to a sitting position, and he grinned at me and fell backwards again very deliberately. He giggled and raised his arms toward me. I pulled him up again, and as I did, my phone rang. I stepped away to answer it. He flung himself back again, and said, "Nana!" as I moved away. When I turned back toward him, he had his arms raised again and was watching me, waiting for me to pull him up again.

Like most babies his age, he is learning to manipulate the grown-ups in his world very effectively.

Ben was telling me that Nathan has not been sleeping through the night recently. They plan to change the rules this weekend, and let him cry. I know how hard that is to do, because Ben did the same thing at about this age.

A Boy and A Dog

Nathan was born on 9/18/09. Tom (Grandpa) and I were at the hospital, with Becca (Auntie Becca), when Nathan was just 45 minutes old, and Jen was still in the delivery room. It was an amazing experience for all of us. We all got to hold the baby, and hug Ben and Jen. We all admired and fell in love with Nathan, who had not even been cleaned up yet. He was sleeping. So new. So sweet.

The next day, Becca and I drove up to Loves Park near Rockford to get her new puppy. He was just six weeks old. The mother dog was a lab mix and the father dog was an American bulldog. Weighing only five pounds when we got him, Duke was one of the smaller pups in a litter of 11, so he was used to lots of snuggling and many playmates. I drove, so Becca could hold him on the way home. He wasn't happy in the car. In fact, one block before we got back to her house, he threw up! He has hated cars ever since.

Because of Becca and Adam's work schedules, I've been spending lots of time with Duke almost every week since he was brought into our family. He has spent many days at our house, and even a couple of nights. He's a funny dog. He is affectionate, and loves Tom and I. Actually, he loves Tom more than me, because Tom plays with him and gives him treats more often than I do. Duke is curious. He follows me around the house, curious about everything I do. It's as if he says, "What' ya doin'?" "Can I see?" "What's that?" "Let me help!" all day long.

Duke is 40 pounds now. However, he is a very timid dog. He is wary of people until he gets to know them. Thunder terrifies him. The first time it thundered this spring, he was at our house. Becca was there too. After the first clap of thunder, Duke ran to the front door, barking furiously. He seemed to think that thunder was something trying to get in to the house.

And of course, I have been spending 3 days a week with Nathan since Jen went back to work in January. This baby and this puppy have given us a lot of joy over the past few months. For several reasons they had not met each other - except once when Nathan had still been too little to notice the dog. I'm convinced that they will be great friends, when they have a chance to spend some time together.

For Mother's Day, we all ended up at Becca's house. Nathan got very excited when he saw the dog. Duke got very excited when he saw Nathan.

When Nathan gets excited, he grins and squeals and kicks his legs real fast. Jen was sitting holding Nathan. Duke went up to him timidly, tail wagging. Nathan grinned really big, and reached out for the dog. Duke licked his fingers, making Nathan giggle. Then the baby kicked his legs, obviously thrilled to be near the dog. Duke, reacting to Nathan's furiously kicking legs, bowed down and stuck his butt up, like dogs do when they are playing, and barked.

Nathan, startled, cried hard. I guess they will have to be a bit older before they are good friends.

Mommommom

This was the first time I have heard this from Nathan...and I am looking forward to hearing it many, many, many more times in the future! :)

Quick Roller

Nathan is now a roll over professional, when he chooses to be.

We Have a Roller....

Nathan has been rolling over in his crib for months but just recently he has started to do this during playtime. Nana B witnessed it a few days ago as did we but as of today, we think he has finally masterd this trick. Watch out crawling....here we come.

Nathan Dancing

Hi Dada!

Yesterday, on Easter Sunday morning, after Nathan's morning nap, Ben went in to get him. Nathan was awake in his crib, talking to himself, facing the wall when Ben walked in. Ben had the video camera with him, and started filming to see what Nathan would do when he saw him.

Nathan turned his head and saw Ben. He flipped over so he could look at him better, and then very quietly said "Hi Dada!" Ben got it on the video, and we all saw it later. It couldn't have been clearer or more deliberate. A little boy greeting his dad. Nothing special.

Except it was Nathan's first deliberately correct utterance!

He has been saying "hi" in a breathy little voice for a while, and dadadadada, mamamama, nananana and other sounds are all part of his babbling every day. He says "Ummm" when we feed him. We have not been able to get him to say any of them on command, and he is not usually paying attention to people when he says them. So this is monumental! And Ben got it on video! How cool is that?

Tears

Ben and Jen don't let Nathan cry. I approve, because I never let my babies cry either. I mean, if I knew why they were crying when they were little, I certainly tried to fix it. Like Nathan, Ben was not a fussy baby. He got cranky when he was uncomfortable or tired, but most of the time he was too busy being curious and - well, busy - to bother crying.

The only time I remember "letting him cry" was when he was about the same age that Nathan is, and he needed to be rocked to sleep. I hadn't minded rocking him for a long while, because I nursed him at bedtime, then changed him and rocked him for two or three minutes until he fell asleep in my arms. He slept through the night most nights by the time he was three months old. But at around 6 months, he stopped sleeping through the night. He started rolling in his sleep and waking up and crying. So the first few times I picked him up and rocked him and he went right back to sleep. But it was happening more and more, several times a night and I was exhausted. I asked the doctor if I should nurse him in the middle of the night. He said, "No. Let him cry. He'll find out he is fine, and then he'll go back to sleep himself."

I tried it the first night, but after about three minutes of listening to him wail, I couldn't stand it. Besides, Tom was grumbling that he needed to get to sleep, so couldn't I please go take care of the baby. He never got up with him at night, working under the logic that he had a job and I did not, so I could sleep during the day if I needed to.

It very quickly got to a point where I was not getting much sleep at all. Ben was crying six or seven times a night. I called a woman at la leche league - the only help for nursing mothers back then. She told me the same thing the doctor told me. Only she said it in a way I could understand, and it made sense. "He is manipulating you," she told me. "He now knows if he makes noise, you show up and rock him. There is nothing wrong with him. He doesn't need his diaper changed every hour, and you all need sleep. The only way to stop this is to let him cry. It might take 3 nights, but if you let him cry he will go back to sleep. And you will be showing him that he is OK alone in the dark. Nothing bad happens to him if he is awake and quiet. Within three nights he will wake up, get comfortable, and go right back to sleep. But you might not get much sleep those 3 nights."

Even Tom could see that I was getting thoroughly exhausted. Ben wasn't taking very long naps, and I couldn't nap enough during the day to make up for the sleep I was losing at night. Tom finally had a week off of school - he was a guidance counselor at the time - and we decided that we would try it.

The first night was awful. No one got much sleep. The first time he cried and I didn't go to rock him, he cried hard for about ten minutes. Those were the worst ten minutes! It so went against my grain to just listen to him scream and to do nothing. But finally he stopped, and we could hear him sucking his thumb and gasping, since he had worked himself up into such a state screaming and his nose was all stuffy. But that was the worst of it. He did it again about four other times that night - but fewer times than I had been getting up with him. By the second night, he only did it twice, and the duration each time was getting shorter and shorter. On the third night, he woke up once around 3 a.m. He fussed for about 2 minutes, then fell back to sleep. And I never had to get up with him in the middle of the night again.

But about Nathan. (I hadn't intended to write all that about Ben...) We've been having some early spring warm days, so we've been taking walks. He gets bored quickly, but I've been pointing things out to him and can usually make it all the way around the block before he gets fussy. Last Thursday it was about 50 degrees so we went, and as we approached the corner I saw a garbage truck coming. I thought it would be fun for him to watch. It was one of those huge trucks with a mechanical arm that comes out from the side of the truck and picks up the big blue bins and lifts them up and dumps their contents into the truck. I walked slowly and let the truck get ahead of us, then kept up a pace that let him see it as it dumped all the bins on the block. I talked to him, and pointed out the "big truck" and he seemed fascinated. I was thinking of telling Ben and Jen that Nathan had decided he wanted to be a garbage man when he grows up.

When we got to the corner, I assumed the truck would go straight ahead and we were going to turn, so after it dumped the last bin into the truck, I walked beside it to continue on. Just as we approached the corner, the driver did some kind of mechanical compacting thing, and the truck made a huge noise. It startled me, and it terrified Nathan. He screamed! And he wouldn't stop screaming until I took him out of the stroller and held him. I guess his career as a garbage man won't happen! It took me a few minutes to calm him down. Then I tried to wipe his nose, dripping with tears and snot, and that made him start fussing again. I talked to him and he calmed down. I tried walking while holding him, but that didn't work. He is too big now for me to carry for long in one arm, so I was having an awkward time of it. I had on a winter coat, and he had a short jacket. His legs had been covered with a blanket, which I tried to wrap around him. Of course that didn't work well, so I finally put him back into the stroller. I was afraid he would cry again, but he played with the toy on the front of the stroller and we finished that block OK.

The final corner that led back to the house was next. No problem, except when we turned the corner it put us into the wind. He started screaming again. We are the fifth house from the corner. I pushed the hood of the carriage forward to block the wind, but that didn't help. He was in a real snit, and he kept wailing. I knew I couldn't carry him and push the stroller - I had tried
that before -so I let him cry and I walked as fast as I could.

I soon saw that Jen had gotten home while we were out. We got into the garage, and Nathan was still sobbing. I felt awful. It definitely had not been one of our better walks!

Then this morning there was a different issue. Jen was still home when I got here. That's a bit unusual. Most days Ben is here playing with Nathan when I get here. But Ben is working on a big report that is due on Monday, so Jen had stayed home until I came so Ben could work.

Nathan smiled when he saw me, and put out his arms when I reached for him. Jen went into the kitchen and was out of sight for a minute. Nathan was sleepy and ready to go down. As soon as he saw Jen again, he started to fuss. I put him down on the changing table to change him, and Jen went upstairs to get dressed. Nathan's fussing turned into serious crying. He knew his mom was nearby, and he wanted her. Ben came up from the basement to see what was happening, and Jen came back down. Nathan continued to cry. I knew he would settle down as soon as I got him up into his bedroom and started the nap-time ritual of singing to him and rocking him until he got drowsy. I often put him down when he is still awake, but if he is not relaxed and drowsy he cries.

Well, he didn't want me and my nap-time rituals. He wanted his mom. So he cried. I tried singing to him, and he cried. I finally picked up one of the books in his room and started reading to him, and that settled him down. We read two books. But just as we finished the last one, Jen walked by and he saw her. The crying started again. I walked with him. I gave him the pacifier - he chews on it now that he is teething, and that kept him occupied for a few minutes. Then I sang, and rocked him, and he relaxed and went to sleep.

It's hard when they cry. Hard on the grown-ups, I mean. We see our job as keeping them fed and comfortable and happy, and when they are not, well, it's just hard.

More tricks...

Even since Nana B posted her latest blog Nathan has acquired more tricks yet again. Lately he has noticed and has been enjoying his feet. Tonight after his bath he was able to put his left foot in his mouth for the first time....well not quite his entire foot, more like his big toe. This weekend he also opened and closed his hands as if to say hello or goodbye although it was really more about him exploring his hand than giving his first greeting. Nathan had also started on vegetables this weekend. Green beans to be exact. This process started much like his first experience with Cereal. He did not necessarily enjoy his first meal but he has had two more since then and he actually opened wide for tonight's course. Our little angel has also had a chance to spend some time outside lately of which he is loving. Especially when there are neighborhood kids to look at and learn from. I am sure there is more but Nate is sleeping so that is my cue to do the same. Goodnight!!

What Nathan can do now...

We went to Florida for the first week of this month. Being away from Nathan for a week made me very aware of how fast he is changing.

He is very interactive now. He learned to give raspberries - with his tongue in and out - while we were gone. He sits unsupported for several minutes at a time now, and stands with all his weight on his legs as long as someone keeps him balanced. He bounces very energetically in his jumper. His hand control is much better. He passes toys from hand to hand, and uses his fingers to spin a small cylander on his jumper. He loves to make things happen now. He pulls the mirror on his mat down and turns it sideways, and scoots his body across the mat to get at things. He bats at things hanging above him, grabs them, pulls them, and brings them to his mouth if he can. He says "eng", "hey", "nananana" and many other sounds that are repeated - but are not quite words. Almost words, but not quite. He turns to look toward the hall when he hears Ben's footsteps on the stairs. He loves to bang on his high chair or a book, or his Mickey Mouse musical toy. He frequently chuckles when he is pleased with himself.

random things

Nathan is starting to communicate in lots of ways. Jen and I have both seen him deliberately put his arms up when he wants to be picked up. We both are working at teaching him how to say, "Uppy". Actually, I usually tell him to say, "Pick me up, Nana." But that's the English teacher in me that compels me to do that. I love the cute things little kids say, but I have to teach them the right way to say it.

I took Nathan for a walk in his stroller today. It was 53 degrees and sunny. We only walked around the block - which takes about 7 minutes. But still. We were outside, he was in his stroller, and I was happy about it.

Even though it was that warm today, there was still some snow on the ground. There was some across the sidewalk in several places. Blue sky, warm air, and slushy sidewalks.

Nathan's stroller is his car seat that fits onto a base. We put him in it reclined, which is great for tiny babies. There is a hood at both ends that goes up over the baby to block wind or rain or sun if necessary. But the seat can be turned around so he can sit up and see where we are going. We will try that configuration next time.

Today he could see some toys dangling over his head, and he could see me, but that's about it. He was happy enough most of the time, but was getting squirmy and starting to fuss by the time we got back to the house. I'm hoping the next time it is warm enough for us to get out, he likes it better. I think he will if he can see where we are going.

Just in going around the one block, I saw a park with a playground. Sweet! I can imagine him, in a year or two, asking me to take him to the park. That will be fun.

Breast milk and prune juice...

Breast fed babies don't get constipated, I have been told. Infrequent stools does not necessarily mean constipation.

Last week, on Thursday, Ben mentioned that Nathan had not had a messy diaper since the previous weekend. He acted fine and was taking his bottle or nursing just fine, but no pooping. Ben wanted to know if I was sure that he had not pooped on Tuesday. I was sure. I notice that kind of thing.

So he talked to Jen on the phone, and she called the doc, just to see if there was something we should be doing. The first nurse or whoever she talked to told her not to worry, babies can frequently go five days between stools. She recommended that we get some prune juice, and put some in his bottle with the breast milk. Which made my eyebrows go up and my stomach clench.

When my three were little, the boys never had this problem. Becca sometimes did, but I think she was older than Nathan is when it started. We used suppositories - special ones for babies - which worked very well and within a very short time. I suggested to Ben that I could go out and get some. He didn't like that idea at all.

Now, I have to say right here that things have really changed since my kids were little. Doctors give parents very different advice now than they gave when I was having babies. Then, the recommendation was to put babies to sleep on their stomachs so they didn't accidentally aspirate in case they spit up while they were sleeping. Now all babies are supposed to be put down on their backs. It helps prevent SIDS. The wonderful walkers we had - little chair-and-table vehicles on wheels that helped keep kids confined and also helped them learn to walk - are no longer on the market. Too dangerous. High chairs now have five-point straps to tie kids in, and cribs have to have slats a specified distance apart. Car seats are mandated by law now. It's a wonder as many of us grew up as healthy as we did, since we didn't have all these safety rules in place.

Anyway, I want to do things to help Jen and Ben, and I do not want to dictate to them about what they should do. They love this baby as much as I loved mine, and they are getting the best and latest advice available. So I didn't push the suppository idea.

I went to WalMart and got some prune juice for Nathan. I probably should have looked in the infant department - I probably could have bought a small one-serving size bottle - but I didn't think of that. I bought a 48 ounce bottle of prune juice.

So when Nathan woke up from his nap, Ben and I talked about how to give him the juice. (I guess I should mention that Ben works at home in his office in the basement. So I am taking care of the baby, but most days Ben is there, working, downstairs.) We were supposed to add 1/2 teaspoon to his milk. We both wondered if he would take it willingly. This little 5 month old has had only breast milk and for the past several weeks, some rice cereal. Prune juice was going to be a shock. I was afraid if I added it to the full bottle, and he hated the taste, he might refuse to drink it. Then I would have wasted 6 ounces of breast milk, which Jen pumps and leaves for me to give him when she is at work. Ben agreed, so we got out an extra bottle, and put just 2 ounces of the milk in it, and added the juice to that. It looked strangely brown.

We both expected a strong reaction. Ben got out the camera, anticipating strange facial expressions. He was ready to document the drama. Nathan chugged down the brownish liquid as if it was what he was used to. We were amazed. Then he chugged the remaining 4 ounces of milk just as quickly. He was obviously hungry.

Now, let me emphasize, that for most of this time, Nathan has acted just fine. He was a bit cranky on Tuesday, not fussy but complaining rather than cooing. And his afternoon nap was only 45 minutes that day. But he has been happy and smiling and not distressed.

Nothing happened after the prune juice on Thursday. So on Friday, Ben and Jen conferred, and decided that I should give him more in his first bottle. I decided to just add it to the entire bottle, since he didn't seem to notice or object to the taste of the juice. I found some measuring spoons, used the one that had 1/2 on it, but noticed that the milk seemed as brown as it had the day before, when we had just put the juice in 2 ounces of milk. I wondered about it momentarily. He took it willingly and happily. Again, nothing happened.

On Friday after work Tom came to Ben's house, which he has been doing so he can spend some time with Nathan too. Jen was still concerned about the baby, and thought they might have to take him to see the doctor. She called the office, and spoke to someone who told her that babies can go up to 12 days without having a bowel movement, and as long as he was acting ok and eating ok, not to worry. She was also told that a warm bath, bicycling exercises with the baby's legs, prune juice, the insertion of an anal thermometer and suppositories could all be used if Nathan started to act distressed. He did not act distressed.

I came home Friday night, convinced that he would poop over the weekend.

Over the weekend I taked to my sister-in-law, Margie, who raised 3 kids of her own. I was telling her about our concerns. She said to put him into a snowsuit, and take him for a ride in the car. Her kids, she said, always exploded in their pants in the car, in the snowsuit, when they were ten or more miles away from home! We laughed.

Jen was home yesterday, Monday, since it was President's Day. Nathan did not have a messy diaper all weekend, or yesterday either.

Ben showed me this morning that I had used a measuring spoon that was actually 1/2 tablespoon, which is why the milk had looked so brown to me on Friday. It obviously hadn't hurt Nathan that I had given him 1/2 tablespoon rather than 1/2 teaspoon, but it hadn't helped either!

So, at Ben's suggestion, I gave him 1/2 teaspoon of juice in his milk again this morning. Again, he took it just fine. He doesn't even seem to notice! It still makes my stomach clench, but that's my problem, not his.

This afternoon, I put him down for his nap. He usually sleeps between 1 1/2 to 2 hours for me, but today he slept over 3 hours. I even asked Ben if he thought I should wake him. He said no, and Nathan woke up a little while after that. No explosion, no leaking out of the diaper and all over everything. But Nathan did have a really stinky, very soft load in his diaper. No distress. In fact, he seemed very mellow and pleased with himself.

Which proves that healthy breast-fed babies can, indeed, go for many days without having a bowel movement. Nathan never was bothered or concerned about any of this. Just the adults were. I guess I'll bring the prune juice home with me on Thursday. Ben and Jen won't drink it. Tom and I will. But NOT mixed in milk.

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways...

When Tom and I were young and in love, we used to recite Elizabeth Barrett Browning's (1806-1861) sonnet to each other. We both had it memorized. We were, like I said, young and in love, and somehow it seemed right.

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints,—I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life!—and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.
—number Forty-Three

It is Valentine's Day. I want to write about love. I love many people, and think I know something about it.

First of all, the poem:
"I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace."

Huh? I get the "depth and breadth and height part." but from "when" on, I'm not so sure what that sentence means.

I was an English teacher before I became Nathan's nanny, and I've taught the poem. I guess I should be able to explain each line. No one ever asked me what the line meant, so I just glided over it and went on. High school kids love to talk about love. So over the years I developed some ideas about what true love is.

First of all, love is definitely NOT "never having to say you're sorry." That line is from the movie "Love Story." I hated the movie, because the young heroine finds out she is dying, and then she dies. No happily ever after in that movie.

But, actually, there is not a lot of happily ever after in real life. Not that every love story ends with someone dying young. However, that head-over-heels feeling that we associate with falling in love doesn't last. It gets replaced with the mundane, everyday tedium of jobs and laundry and children, not enough sleep or arguments about money. It morphs into feeling slighted or taken for granted, cheating, divorce. Think about it. Anything you can fall into, you can usually climb out of.

So does romantic love ever last? Sure it does, but only if both people are willing to work at the relationship. Tom and I have been married for 40 years. Are we still head-over-heels in love. NO! Do we love each other? YES. Do we drive each other crazy? Often. But we stick with it, and we talk about what drives us crazy, and we keep working at the relationship. To me, it seems that romantic love survives only when both people make a decision to keep working at making the relationship last.

I used to tell the kids I taught that the problem is that we don't have enough English words to use when we talk about love. We use "love" to mean many different things.

We love our parents; we love ice cream; we love the Cubs or the Sox; we love walking on a beach. Does the word "love" mean the same thing in each of those phrases? Of course not.

Are there other words in English that mean to love? adore, idolize? (Usually used in reference to God. When people adore each other, there is an implication of the emotions being extreme or over the top.) cherish? It means to treat with affection and tenderness, to keep fondly in mind. Hmmm. Not a bad definition, but the word itself is obscure and not used much.

So when we say we love someone, what do we mean? 1) to have a deep, tender feeling of affection for someone 2) to have an intense emotional attachment to. This, I think, is romantic love.

In my experience, romantic love is often temporary because people change and stuff happens. But you know what. I never knew what the word love really meant until I had my kids.

I love my kids in ways that are hard to explain. They can frustrate and disappoint me, but that would never make me stop loving them. I love them with a fierceness that is scary sometimes, because it is so strong. I would do anything for them. I wish I could protect them from pain and fear and disappointment. I wish I could keep them healthy and safe and happy all the time. But of course, I cannot do anything except wish for those things.

I guess now the difference between falling in love with someone and loving our kids is based on the fact that the first is a mutual experience shared with another adult. With our children, who come to us as helplessly, totally dependent babies, it is very different. For me, it was as if the birth of each child was accompanied by a corresponding birth of this huge, encompassing love that arrived when the child arrived. I didn't have to take it from somewhere - it just spontaneously grew in my heart.

In fact, when Ben was three and I was expecting Becca, I loved him so intensely that I was afraid that the new baby would somehow be short changed. I feared that I didn't have any love left over for a new baby. But she arrived, and from the first minute I held her, I loved her as intensely and completely as I loved him, and loving her didn't affect my loving him at all. They each had their own endless supply that originated somewhere in the bottom of my soul. As people, even as baby people, they were different, and I loved them differently because I loved their uniqueness, but I loved them both completely. Then Seth came along, and it was the same with him. Maybe my capacity to love grew. I'm not sure. What I am sure of is that I love all three of them with my whole heart, and loving each of them in no way diminishes my loving the other two.

Loving them has nothing to do with loving Tom either. Their births increased my love for him somehow, even though I had loved him completely before any of them were born. I know that is true, even though I know it sounds contradictory. It's the miracle of parenting, I guess.

And now there is Nathan. I knew I would love any child that Ben and Jen had, but I didn't know I would love him THIS much! I love him every bit as much as I loved my own kids, but differently somehow. He is not my responsibility the same way they were. Somehow I feel more free to just admire and enjoy him. Grandparent love is different than parental love.

I've written all that, but the words are not adequate.

"To love deeply in one direction makes us more loving in all others." (Anne-Sophie Swetchine ) Maybe that's what I'm trying to say...

The only constant: Change!

I love quotes. I was thinking about writing about how much Nathan is changing, and I started trying to remember a quote I heard somewhere about change being the only constant in life. I couldn't find that quote, but I found lots of others about change.

If you're in a bad situation, don't worry it'll change. If you're in a good situation, don't worry it'll change. ~John A. Simone, Sr.

Ben and I were talking the other day about how quickly Nathan is changing. He is making new noises and doing new things almost every day. At the beginning of the month, when I started as his nanny, we were not sure that his arm and hand movements were deliberate. He liked to suck his thumb, but only seemed to be able to manage it when he was on his tummy. Now he reaches for things, and brings most of them directly to his mouth. He sucks on his thumbs frequently, especially the left one, no matter what position he is in. At first, when he was lying on his play mat, his arms and hands, waving around randomly, would often hit the giraffe that is hanging above him. Now he reaches for it and pulls it towards him, so he can suck on its feet. For the past few days, when I was giving him his bottle, he grasped the bottle with both hands, and then pulled it out of his mouth, grinned at me, and stuck it back in. He has done if often enough now that I am convinced it is deliberate. In fact, today when he did it, he laughed out loud, as if he was delighted with his own dexterity!

I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed. ~George Carlin

Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine. ~Robert C. Gallagher
Those two quotes made me laugh. Of course I have to change Nathan's diaper frequently, which isn't always funny. Yesterday, however, he had a messy diaper. I pulled off the dirty diaper, lifted him up by his ankles so I could stick the clean diaper under him, then started to wipe his butt with a baby wipe. As I was doing it, he finished the job that he had only started in the first diaper, getting my hand, the clean diaper, and his tee shirt all poopy! So changing Nathan made me laugh that time, after I got finished being disgusted of course.

They must often change, who would be constant in happiness or wisdom. ~Confucius

Of course the arrival of a child changes many things for the parents. I hadn't anticipated the things that would change for me, the grandmother.

First of all, Nathan's birth brought up thousands of memories from my pregnancy with Ben. I had lost two babies before Ben was born. The first one I had carried for 26 weeks, and that was four years before Ben came along. So my pregnancy with Ben was a time of hope with a constant background theme of fear. Six weeks before he was due, I ended up in the hospital and thought I might lose him. That was one of the worst days of my life. It turned out that he had dropped and his head had engaged, breaking the amniotic sack abruptly. It sealed itself and I carried him to term with complete bedrest for those final six weeks. It was a scary and emotional time for me. His birth brought more joy than I ever could have imagined.

He was a handsome baby, calm, sweet, clever, curious and able to amuse himself for long periods of time. I had three more miscarriages before Becca was finally born when Ben was almost four years old. When Becca and Seth were little, he was helpful and gentle and loving. I relied on him, and he was dependable. Once he went to school, he suddenly became very independent. It was as if the day kindergarten started, he didn't need me any more. He didn't want to hold my hand in public all of a sudden. I knew it was a part of his growing up, but I didn't like it. From then on he was an independent little person, cooperative and obedient, but aloof somehow, and self-contained.

Nathan's arrival changed my relationship with Ben, and I didn't anticipate that at all. I have always loved him fiercely, and now that Nathan is here, I feel like maybe Ben understands my love in a way he never did before.

When you are through changing, you are through. ~Bruce Barton

Some situations seem never to change. But more often, I think, things are changing frequently around us, and we complain because change requires us to adjust. Certain changes can be very upsetting, especially if it is in a situation where we are comfortable and we do not welcome the change.

There is a certain relief in change, even though it be from bad to worse! As I have often found in travelling in a stagecoach, that it is often a comfort to shift one's position, and be bruised in a new place. ~Washington Irving

Hmmm. I'm not sure if I agree with that concept.

There were lots more quotes, but I guess that is all for now. Nathan's nap times and nap lengths are changing, so I can never be sure how much time I will have to work on this.

Having a Dream

I'm not with Nathan today. In fact, Jen is home with him because of the holiday for Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. I've decided to write about Dr. King. Now I know that this topic is different than most of what will be written in this blog. But, hey, it's my blog and I can put whatever I want into it!

I am fascinated by this year's commeration of King's life and how it led to Obama's inaugeration. The dream has not been fully realized for all Americans yet, but Obama's campaign has opened up the reality of opportunities to thousands of people of color who had the options in the past, but did not understand or believe what they could accomplish. How cool is that! Obama hasn't become president yet, but he has affected the lives of countless kids who now perceive the possibilities in their own futures! But Dr. King was the dreamer who believed that the potential now embodied in Obama would happen sooner than most people thought possible.

I've heard people say that blacks have had equality for years now, since the passage of the EEOC which supposedly guarantees equal rights in the workplace. That was theoretically true, but for children growing up in poverty, in neighborhoods with under-performing schools, it was meaningless. Those children didn't see the possibility of jobs for themselves, and didn't see the relevance of a good education. Their own expectations limited their futures. It is one reason why gangs have become so powerful in poor neighborhoods.

Now many of those same kids see the possibility. There are already kids whose school performance is improving. They never lacked the aptitude, but their defeated attitude held them back. Attitude, after all, is more than half the battle.

Dr. King's plan was thought-out and deliberate, and it worked. It did not bring about an instanteous change everywhere, but it planted the idea, the seed, that grew to fruition in Obama and will continue to grow in all the future American children of every color.

Nathan will see the events of this week as ancient history of course. But he will live in a world different than the one his Grandpa and I grew up in, and even different than the one his own parents grew up in. The world he will take for granted will offer more justice and opportunity for everyone.

1st Time Momma and Lovin' It

Hello Everyone. This is Jen's contribution to Nana's Nanny Blog. I am calling it 1st Time Momma and Loving It because that is sooooooo true. Being a mother is amazing and I am loving it. Ben loves being a daddy as well. This coming Sunday we will have been parents for 4 months. Can you believe Nathan is 4 months old already???? We can not!



I need to start this "visitor" blog by saying Thank you to Nathan. He allowed me an easy pregnancy, easy birth, and so far an easy go at Motherhood. From what I have heard, we should not have another child because if the first one is this great, the second one will be a terror. I don't think that will stop us though...eventually.



Nathan is such a great, happy, lovable baby. It is so fun to see him smile and hear him talk. He is exploring new things everyday and loving it. He is so inquisitive, his eyebrows constantly moving and reflecting his thoughts. I was very fortunate to have been able to stay home with him for his first 15 weeks of his life. What a joy it was watching him grow and learn and having been able to spend each and every day with him. However, all good things must come to an end and starting two weeks ago, I have had to leave him to go back to work. What a hard transition. It makes it a little easier knowing that he is in great hands and for the most part, is good with others. I was afraid at first that I had a Momma's Boy on my hands and that he would cry for others the whole time that I was gone. I am very glad to say that is not the case. My being back to work now has me making the most of my evenings and weekends with Nathan...and of course Ben.



I have so much to say and so much love for Nathan but all in due time. I just put him down for the night so that is my que to get ready for bed...take care...until next time. :)

Jen

Looking Both Ways

Nathan is down for his second nap, after a calm morning. So I have nothing dramatic to blog about.

Driving here this morning, I was thinking about what I would tell him, if I could give him advice and know that he would hear me. I care so much, and I want the best for this adorable child, just like I wanted it for his father and my other two children. But I also know they only half heard less than half of what we said. Some things they ignored, some they twisted to justify what they wanted to do, and some they didn't get so they forget about it quickly. But if I knew Nathan would hear me, and follow my advice, what would I tell him?

Pick up your toys? Wash your hands? Brush your teeth? Be nice? Look both ways before you cross the street?

It's all important stuff. There are natural consequences if these things are ignored.

Especially the one about looking both ways. I thought that while driving earlier. But then I thought that it is not a simple piece of advice. Watching for oncoming traffic is hugely important before stepping into the road, of course. But if I expand the implications a bit, it becomes even more significant.

I mean, looking both ways is important in lots of situations, because it implies being fully informed. It means staying safe by knowing what is coming. And that can really matter in many areas of life.

Our email boxes fill up with forwards containing dire warnings, and then we find out the whole thing was a hoax. We judge people based on first impressions, and then deny ourselves the joy of relationships because of nothing substantial. It is so easy to form an opinion, and dig in and defend it without knowing the other side. (Think about political discussions you had recently, and about how both you and whomever you were speaking to were more determined to be heard than to hear the other person's point of view.)

Checking the truth of information before we share it, getting to know someone inspite of a negative first impression, hearing another person's reasons for their beliefs or opinions - all of these things can enhance our lives. Right? Looking both ways is good in these situations too.

So Nathan, that is Nana's advice for the day. Always look both ways in life.

When is a blizzard not a blizzard?

Yesterday afternoon they were predicting snow and then windy very cold conditions. Repeatedly I heard reports on the radio and TV weathermen saying we could expect severe cold and blowing snow leading to white out conditions, not so much in the city but in the outlying areas. Ben and Jen live far enough west to be considered an outlying area. Dangerous stuff.

I consulted with them. Ben was supposed to fly to Ohio, but his flight at 8 p.m. was cancelled. He rescheduled to a 7:45 a.m flight. Blizzard conditions were reportedly going to get worse around midnight. They were only predicting about 2 to 4 inches of snow, but all that wind was going to whip it around and make travel "dangerous if not impossible" into the morning hours.

Together we decided that I would spend the night at their house, so I could be here if Ben got to go to Ohio and Jen could go to work. We joked about my husband being stuck home alone, and the three of us stuck here all together with the baby, with no one going anywhere. We decided it could be fun even.

I woke this morning to find an inch and a half of snow on the ground, a blue sky, bitter cold temperatures that were dropping, but no wind. Jen told me Ben had left in the wee small hours, and his flight was expected to be on time. She was ready for work, and Nathan was ready to start his day. The blizzard conditions were postponed or cancelled. More snow predicted later today and overnight.

Good. But how do the forecasters manage to be that wrong, and still get big bucks to do their jobs?

So far, every time I have been with Nathan, he has been sweet and calm and seemingly contented. Today started like that too. He played after Jen left, and I read him two books. When he fussed, I changed him, put him in his crib, patted his back for a few minutes, and he went to sleep. When he woke two hours later, he smiled while I changed him, and then drank his bottle. About half of it.

I burped him, as usual, and everything seemed fine. But when I tried to give him the rest of his milk, he got squirmy, bit the nipple, and didn't really want it. Okay. I sat him up and burped him again. He played with my fingers, and acted like everything was fine. I tried the bottle again. He wasn't interested, so I put him down on his mat to play.

After a few minutes, he started to fuss. I picked him up, changed his diaper, and he squirmed and complained. I tried to burp him again. Then he started to cry. I walked and patted his back, but he kept crying. I tried the bottle again, when he calmed down a bit, but this time he screamed. So I walked him some more, and put him across my knees in case he had some air stuck in his tummy. Becca had colic as an infant, and that position seemed to help her. It didn't help Nathan. He cried. I walked with him, sang to him, showed him his reflection in the mirror, and he cried. I showed him the Mickey Mouse music player he loves, but today he hated it. I tried the duckie that plays music, and he hated that too. He cried for about 25 minutes before he belched loudly, and then relaxed on my shoulder. Within another 5 minutes he fell asleep in my arms.

Which just goes to show that you can't predict what a baby will do any more than you can be sure about the weather!

Nathan

Several people told me that being a grandparent was great, because you get to spoil the child and then go home. All the nighttime feedings and doctor visits and worry and aggrevation get left to the parents, and the grandparents get the fun.

Nathan is our first grandchild, the son of our first child, Benjamin. Nathan is 16 weeks old today. Starting this week, I will be his Nana Nanny two or three days a week. Tuesday this week was the first day I spent with Nathan. During the past 16 weeks, I have spent lots of time with him, so Jen could nap or shop or whatever. But that was just for two or three hours at a time. On Tuesday I was with him from 8:30 in the morning until about 4:30 in the afternoon.

Nathan is a calm, sweet baby - a lot like his father was at that age. He is alert and interactive and smiley. I was amazed on Tuesday morning at how long he sat quietly on my lap, looking at cloth books that I read to him. He wasn't sleepy. He was looking, and listening. He has several toys that play snippets of music, and he seems to really like those. He spends a lot of time looking at a mirror over his head on his play mat, and talking to the baby he sees there. He is beginning to reach deliberately for things. When he does grab something, it goes directly to his mouth.

He is starting to "talk" a lot. He has a lot of different noises he makes - too complex to be called "cooing". He mimics facial expressions, raises his eyebrows, smiles, sticks his tongue out, and sometimes laughs out loud.

The fun thing Nathan did on Tuesday was mimic me when I made a raspberry noise at him. He was playing with his tongue, sticking it out and drooling - ah, the awful teething! I had changed his diaper, and he was still on the changing table. He was smiling at me, with his tongue out, so I just stuck my tongue out at him and gave him a raspberry. He did it right back at me, then laughed! I think it was an accident, because I couldn't get him to do it again, but it seemed very deliberate at the time.

Ben and Jen are phenominal parents. Both of them. Their calm, loving parenting is helping Nathan be the calm sweet boy he is.

Today was also a good day with Nathan. He didn't do anything as exciting as a raspberry, but it was a good day anyway.

I told Jen I would journal about Nathan while I'm spending all this time with him. That's what this blog will be. Some other stuff will get thrown in, I'm sure, but mostly it will be about Nathan.