Merry Christmas, 2016
I guess my last post was about my decision to lose weight. I'm happy to report that I have lost 15 pounds, and my A1C has started to come down. I have every intention to keep losing weight.
This post is not about Christmas or weight loss though. It's about me, and how I've been feeling for a while now.
It's about a dream I had last night. Disclaimer: I watched the BBC movie The Hollow Crown: The War of the Roses yesterday evening. A dark tragedy, about wealthy, powerful men waging war against family members for power gains. Fascinating historical account by Shakespeare, done with awful, bloody visuals balanced by great acting and rich. lovely sets. It's about Henry VI, who came to power at the age of 9 months, after his father was murdered. He grew up, and married Margaret, a princess from France. Various uncles became engaged in the War of Roses, at a time when England had close ties and sometimes actually ruled France. I only include this because it so directly related to my dream in terms of visuals, and also in terms of the feeling of the tragic waste of humanity at the beck of self-aggrandizing, self-serving, wealthy world leaders.
In my dream, we (several people, but I'm not sure who else other than me) were sitting at a long table in a throne room similar to one in the movie. There was another table at right angles to the one where I sat, and that one was filled with powerful men dressed in long robes and capes like the actors in the movie. They were making many false claims (like the fake news we have been subjected to during the recent presidential campaign.) Everyone in the audience was somberly nodding, even though (I'm sure of this but I don't know how or why I know it) we all knew the claims were ridiculous. Someone even said that England didn't really exist. I reacted derisively (obviously believing that I still had a right to free speech) and the closest nobleman at the other table pulled a gun and aimed it directly at me. He told me to be respectful or he would kill me. I didn't doubt him, so I shut up, but seethed.
The images from the dream were vivid, and still linger even though it is hours later. My outrage and fear still linger also.
I've had a few hours to think about it, and I realize that the outrage and fear have been part of my emotional reactions ever since Trump won the election. Outrage because to me he seems like such a narcissistic, entitled, out of touch bully, despicable because of his own words, during debates, interviews and on twitter. Fear because of his impulsive, uninformed foreign policy/nuclear arms race statements this past week. I'm terrified because I believe he could easily end life as we know it. In this country and around the world.
I know others disagree with me. I've been told he will surround himself with experts. I know that there are built-in checks and balances in our government. But there is NO indication that Trump will listen to anyone. His arrogant belief in his own "smartness" is belied by his immature, hateful lashing out at anyone who disagrees, criticizes or even questions him. His narcissistic personality allows him to create his own concept of the world, with himself at the center, and he firmly believes in his own judgement and ability to manage all contingencies. He's even managed to convince others, but I'm not convinced. I'm afraid.
I remember being anxious during the Bay of Pigs incident, without really understanding anything about the politics except that Cuba, a communist country, had nuclear missiles pointed directly at us. I remember the horror of the John Kennedy assassination, Martin Luther King, Jr assassination, and the murder of Robert Kennedy. Those deaths were tied to individuals rather than an ideology, but the world seemed very unpredictable back then. The attacks on 9/11 left me feeling really vulnerable, not only the nation, but personally also. It is an unsafe world, overrun with fanatical hatred generated in the name of religion. Religion is supposed to bring comfort, love, understanding and peace, not to create chaos. The safe, cozy illusions of my childhood have been shattered.
Ever since 9/11 I have been waiting anxiously for another shoe to drop. Trump seems like that other shoe.
And now I'm still afraid of those fanatics, both foreign and homegrown, who hate the U.S. and our freedoms. But worse than all the rest, I fear the leader of the free world, our own elected president. No wonder I am having dark dreams.
Happy New Year, everyone. I hope 2017 proves that my fears are exaggerated and unfounded. I really want to be wrong about this.
